Monday, October 02, 2006
A philosophy of children.
Over the last 20 years, I have seen my own feeling about children gradually change, perhaps in parallel with my religious sensibilities.
In my early adulthood, I was adamant that I did not want children. There were too many children in the world already, and in retrospect I know that the idea of the responsibility of children was not something I was interested in.
I eventually married a woman who was also adamant that she did not want children, and when I became single again I was still not overtly interested in children. The tide probably began to turn for me when my niece Cassie was born. I felt something moving within me when I held her tiny, premature infant form in my arms. What moved was not so much my position on whether or not I wanted children, but rather my understanding that we need to love each individual child completely and with as much understanding and patience as Christ can grant us in the moment. This makes children not so much something that is wanted as much as a ministry that one can be called to by the Lord.
I came to think that while some people wanted children, and other people did not, this was not important. You see, at one point in history, people who got married either had children or did not. If the children came, they were a gift from God. If not, that was not God's plan. Later, we obtained technology that would allow us to avoid having children. And while in the past there were impolite words to refer to children born out of wedlock, we now were saddled with new terminology -- unwanted children. Now, we could prevent unwanted children, so that every child would be wanted. Now I am the first to admit that it is best to ensure that one can provide a stable and loving home for a child before having children, but I do believe that in recent years we have seen a continuation of the progression towards parents seeing children from their own, human, self-driven perspective rather from a Christ-centered perspective.
While more and more technology was marketed to prevent children for people who did not want them, other technology was created to allow people who did want children to have children, despite natural barriers. As a result of selfish human nature and aggressive marketing by the reproductive health industry, I believe that currently children are primarly viewed unconsciously as a consumer product. If you want them you can have them if you have enough money and are willing to pay the reproductive doctors.
Adoption is another avenue where money and children can become intertwined. As a recent adoptive parent, I can only relay the nature of some of the discussions my wife and I had about what we would and would not do to afford the adoption process. We had both heard horror stories of adoption agencies that milked prospective parents for all they could, justifying their various fee structures by the end result of the process -- a baby. Web sites and periodicals regarding adoption stress that obtaining second mortgages and even using credit cards are ways to afford the adoption process.
But clear thinking can put the cost of adoption into perspective, and help remove the emotional need one might feel to parent from the financial costs of adoption. Adoption agencies do not provide babies. They fulfill certain functions -- often required by regulation -- to provide foster and adoptive homes to children. By law, a child offered for adoption must be given freely, and very limited compensation can be offered for specific child-related expenses. But just as a Quaker may be critical of paid ministers for selling for money what Christ gave all men for free, adoption agencies can be guilty of the same thing. My wife and I chose a Christ-centered agency and were therefore less worried about this, but as Christ said, "you must be innocent as doves yet wise as serpents." These words of Christ Jesus should be one's constant guide in the adoption process. For just as the heart can be a vessel for God's love, if manipulated by others it can be a betrayer.
Each child is a gift from God to the world -- a gift that comes with a loving and joyous responsibility for those who would be parents. Even days into this experience called being a parent, I can feel myself changing, my concerns being less for myself and more for this child who depends on me -- currently for everything. This parenting experience will bring Carla and I closer to Christ Jesus, as we understand more fully the challenges that he has caring for and bringing man to the Father, and as we execute His teachings within the walls of our home.
Wanted? Unwanted? These are not valid questions when it comes to children. The child's worth does not rely on these things having to do with a parent. The child is wanted by God, and the parent's role is to instill that realization in the child, and prepare the child to grow not only physically and mentally, but spiritually in the eyes of the Lord.
Over the last 20 years, I have seen my own feeling about children gradually change, perhaps in parallel with my religious sensibilities.
In my early adulthood, I was adamant that I did not want children. There were too many children in the world already, and in retrospect I know that the idea of the responsibility of children was not something I was interested in.
I eventually married a woman who was also adamant that she did not want children, and when I became single again I was still not overtly interested in children. The tide probably began to turn for me when my niece Cassie was born. I felt something moving within me when I held her tiny, premature infant form in my arms. What moved was not so much my position on whether or not I wanted children, but rather my understanding that we need to love each individual child completely and with as much understanding and patience as Christ can grant us in the moment. This makes children not so much something that is wanted as much as a ministry that one can be called to by the Lord.
I came to think that while some people wanted children, and other people did not, this was not important. You see, at one point in history, people who got married either had children or did not. If the children came, they were a gift from God. If not, that was not God's plan. Later, we obtained technology that would allow us to avoid having children. And while in the past there were impolite words to refer to children born out of wedlock, we now were saddled with new terminology -- unwanted children. Now, we could prevent unwanted children, so that every child would be wanted. Now I am the first to admit that it is best to ensure that one can provide a stable and loving home for a child before having children, but I do believe that in recent years we have seen a continuation of the progression towards parents seeing children from their own, human, self-driven perspective rather from a Christ-centered perspective.
While more and more technology was marketed to prevent children for people who did not want them, other technology was created to allow people who did want children to have children, despite natural barriers. As a result of selfish human nature and aggressive marketing by the reproductive health industry, I believe that currently children are primarly viewed unconsciously as a consumer product. If you want them you can have them if you have enough money and are willing to pay the reproductive doctors.
Adoption is another avenue where money and children can become intertwined. As a recent adoptive parent, I can only relay the nature of some of the discussions my wife and I had about what we would and would not do to afford the adoption process. We had both heard horror stories of adoption agencies that milked prospective parents for all they could, justifying their various fee structures by the end result of the process -- a baby. Web sites and periodicals regarding adoption stress that obtaining second mortgages and even using credit cards are ways to afford the adoption process.
But clear thinking can put the cost of adoption into perspective, and help remove the emotional need one might feel to parent from the financial costs of adoption. Adoption agencies do not provide babies. They fulfill certain functions -- often required by regulation -- to provide foster and adoptive homes to children. By law, a child offered for adoption must be given freely, and very limited compensation can be offered for specific child-related expenses. But just as a Quaker may be critical of paid ministers for selling for money what Christ gave all men for free, adoption agencies can be guilty of the same thing. My wife and I chose a Christ-centered agency and were therefore less worried about this, but as Christ said, "you must be innocent as doves yet wise as serpents." These words of Christ Jesus should be one's constant guide in the adoption process. For just as the heart can be a vessel for God's love, if manipulated by others it can be a betrayer.
Each child is a gift from God to the world -- a gift that comes with a loving and joyous responsibility for those who would be parents. Even days into this experience called being a parent, I can feel myself changing, my concerns being less for myself and more for this child who depends on me -- currently for everything. This parenting experience will bring Carla and I closer to Christ Jesus, as we understand more fully the challenges that he has caring for and bringing man to the Father, and as we execute His teachings within the walls of our home.
Wanted? Unwanted? These are not valid questions when it comes to children. The child's worth does not rely on these things having to do with a parent. The child is wanted by God, and the parent's role is to instill that realization in the child, and prepare the child to grow not only physically and mentally, but spiritually in the eyes of the Lord.
